So easily

You’re still the reason
Why I don’t trust my thoughts
My feelings, my love

I was fine before you came
Accepted my place
No reason to misbehave

But you broke me so easily
Turned my world upside down
Without a sole thought

Just tell me what you were looking for?
Before the lies became your truth
Before your mask broke through

What poisoned us so deeply
That every rumor became true
In your mind, I stopped being me

I was still the same inside
But in your eyes
The colors were all wrong

You broke me so easily
When I most needed a friend
You decided to become an enemy.

Fantasize.

My dreams reflect the trauma deep inside.
They’re an unerving cycle revolving around my mind, going round and round theme-wise, never straying much time-wise, the same characters appearance-wise, sometimes as villains, other times anti-heros… Because none of us were much hero material in those years.
They always return to the same thing, trying to make me accept the changes that happened- or is it more that I should accept all of our masks fell?
Why can’t my mind just let you go? I’m a prisioner in dreams that never make you the main character. Instead, you’re always on the other side, antagonizing me, breaking me, hating me. Or watchful, learning the truths I hide those years ago, but never in the main stage. Never in the beggining. Other times, the worst of my nightmares win, and mix with reality.
You asked me to listen to my heart, but you were the first to break that trust. You made me the villain while prefering to listen to rumors than talk to me. I guess it was easier to hate me, after protecting you. What should I have expected from someone who told me my worst birthday was only a nightmare, invalidating a trauma while creating another months later?
I’m frozen, but I did it for you.
Of course you’d be so focused on yourself, because why would the world not revolve around you, that the rest must have been related to you? You will never know how much hearing you say I should go back to that hell hurt, you who were so fucking blind to my emotional state? I mean, point to you, you were not the only one to not see how broken I was, when we barely talked anymore, but why would have I given up on a school I dreamed about then? For you? You hated me, the less I saw you then, the better, but my friends, my kitkat pause were near you, unfortunatly for me. It seemed like karma when I asked to change schools, and of all the classes I could have went into, there we were again. It’s like I couldn’t be in any other letter than “B”. The Story of B all over again.
Jesus, how I hated high school. Transfering to deal with trauma, and moving to a class to restart other types of drama. Insteas of starting new like I needed, there was just more shit and ignoring the problems, repressing into hell to the point I’m still dealing with emotions from my teens.
Fuck. My. Life.

🎶 Dream Chaos, Britt – Fantasize 🎶

A droga em mim és tu (The drug in me is you by Falling in Reverse)

Ouvi um bater na minha porta no outro dia
Abri-a para encontrar a morte a olhar-me na cara
A sensação de perseguição mortal ainda reverbera
Todo o lado onde eu vou, levo este caixão só por sim

O meu corpo estremece e envia arrepios pela minha espinha
A adrenalina entra em ação, e explode
Os teus segredos mantém-te doente, as tuas mentiras vivo
Olhos de serpente todas as vezes que lanças com dados desonestos

Eu senti a escuridão quando me tentou puxar para baixo
O tipo de negro que assombra uma casa centenária
Eu luto com os meus pensamentos, aperto a mão da dúvida
Fugindo do meu passado, rezo “pés, não me falhem agora”

Eu perdi a porra da minha mente, acontece todo o tempo
Eu não consigo acreditar que deveria realmente estar aqui
Tentando consumir, a droga em mim és tu
Eu eu estou tão drogado em miséria, não consegues ver?

Eu tenho estas questões sempre a correr pela minha cabeça
Tantas coisas que eu gostaria de compreender
Se nascemos para morrer e morremos para viver
Qual é o ponto de viver a vida se só se vai contradizer?

(…)