Hi,
I’m a etheralki healer, now working as a psychologist shadowhunter for Hades.
I’m a queen, a volunteer, a scholar, a warrior, always perfectly imperfect. I believe in the power of words and actions, languages, symbols and passions, in the courage to stand up for another and fight for your beliefs, one daemon at a time, and always a Tardis to Hogwarts away. I believe in a world where mythology, the supernatural and science can coexist.
I am divergent, I ignite, I am a high-functioning sociopath and a travelling madman at the same time.
Who will ever know who I can truly be?
Welcome to my crazy mind.
🌗
The Space you left
I wish you’d been cruel
Cold, careless, toxic
It would made leaving easy.
If you’d been careless with your hands,
If your words had cut deep,
If I had felt small beside you,
Ignored, broken, hurt,
I could have gathered the pieces,
Walked away, and called it wisdom.
But no.
You had to be gentle.
You waited when I needed time.
You never made me feel forced.
You made room for my silence
Without making it awkward.
You made me laugh.
You made me believe.
You made me wake,
This frozen heart of mine.
You made me feel safe enough
to forget, for a little while,
that I was supposed to be cautious.
I risked it.
And something inside me
Quietly opened its door
For you to reside.
I went home wanting more.
Another conversation,
Another evening,
Another chance to discover
What this could become.
And then–
nothing.
No cruel ending,
No argument,
No goodbye.
No dramatic exit.
Silence.
Just static quiet.
And now I haunt my own memory,
Wondering if I said something wrong,
If I moved too quickly, too slow,
Was I inside my head too much,
Should I have stayed longer,
Laughed differently,
Kissed you differently,
Needed less,
Wanted less.
As though if I could find the mistake,
I could undo and return to normal.
Or get some peace.
I reached out for closure,
Only to be met with the same muted echo.
Seen. Ignored.
You didn’t vanish, you just withdrew.
Feeling near, but so far away.
Why?
I hate that I miss you.
I miss talking to you.
I miss sharing little jokes with you.
I miss the strange little warmth
of knowing there was someone
I wanted to tell things to.
That I wanted to hear about his day.
I miss the way you left me wanting more.
I miss the version of myself
that was begginign to believe
maybe this time
I could let someone in.
I’m still waiting, trying to understand
But maybe there is no hidden reason
That could bring sense to our story.
Maybe you simply moved on,
And I’m stuck wondering.
If you were only a lesson.
But I know, somewhere
Beneath all my caution,
Beneath all my questions,
I am still capable
of opening the door to my heart.
I just wished it was you.
In the space you left behind.
Midnight
With red eyes I gaze unwise
The dark hides my true side
No moon in the sky tonight
No one to answer your desperate cries
When the clock strikes its final chord
Midnight will change all our souls
It’s the final dance, the final time
Before your final curtain falls
Alone in a ballroom full of monsters
Whispers of the unknown creep around
You’re still so oblivious to your own ruin
Your own destiny nearing its bound
Will you feel brave tonight
When the monsters come to play
Will you scream, will you hide
Oh, are you excited for the game?
A wicked smirk begins to show
I can’t hide my glee no more
Full lips, ready to bite
Your soul will be mine to devour
Tick tock, you better run
Better hide, say goodbye
The light in your eyes will fade
Before you sense the danger
Sorry,
When morning comes,
You’ll be long gone.
Tired.
I’m tired of being afraid
Of not saying the things
I want to say
Tired of being a mess
Every comment became a blade
To put me in distress
I’m living like I just don’t care
I don’t mind anymore if it’s unfair
Pretending I have no fear
‘Cause if I don’t, I’ll break for real
You twisted my mind so fine
To act like it’s all right
Your touch an addicting poison
I couldn’t shake away for so long
You were so toxic
So subtle and insidious
So gentle while destroying me
Turned my heart into a battlefield
And I’m here still holding the line
Yeah, living a lie everyday
Should’ve realised sooner
Only I could save myself.
Maybe it’s time to let it go,
Two wrongs will never make a right
So I wished upon a lonely star
To find my voice again and fight
She gave me hope again
It was time to save myself tonight
Now I see your true intentions
Your love was a fear I needed to leave
You taught me silence sounded safe,
Until my voice forgot its name.
Now I see it was never meant to be
Before you broke me for real
Now I get to live again
To find my peace inside, my desires, my aims
Now I get to love again
And watch the sunlight illuminate me
G.
I’m sorry…
Don’t leave me, I want to here with me
I know that, the love is gone…
My mind always goes back to you, like a clock, specially lately.
How happy would you be for my accomplishments, how you would go with my crazyness like it was a normal day, how you would call me to speak nothingnesses, just to be present, even if by phone.
I used to like calls. I used to like hugs, because they were given by you. You were one of the few people I would always hug as a greeting, because it was just normal. Like it’s normal to imagine your voice in my head, opinating like we used too, if we actually talked about our life and feelings then. And you’re in my dreams, again, the best friend I never got back. The best friend that used to call me just to hear my voice, but in the worst moments of his life, didn’t. The best friend that almost gave me a heart attack once, thinking I had lost you. And then I actually did. And because I had lost my phone, I didn’t have a way to contact you, to ask why, to promise to still be there.
I miss our friendship. I miss the comfort your presence used to give me, because then, I knew time could pass but if I called, you would be there. If you called, I would’ve find a way. I would always find time for you.
How things change, but our photos stay the same.
How depressing I feel, looking back to what happened, how we fell apart so easily.
How I wish I had confided in you what was troubling me that year, then maybe you would have done the same. Then maybe I would have realized some things sooner. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so broken.
Maybe we would still be friends.
I won’t send a card this time, trying to save our friendship, it’s been so long I don’t even know if you remember me by.
Just know, if I ever see you again, I’m still a hug away.
I miss you.
Your yellow
30 years of happenstances. And moments, and regrets, and friendships that grew cold and went away.
But tell me, why, even when I look at the past, do I think of you? Why, when I look back, is it always the same crew that comes to mind?
The photos of the past show our happiness that was created in a bed of lies, with kids hiding their insecurities, living in their bubbles. But the bubbles burst, we fell apart, and the dreams were broken.
I look back, and I see a girl who was lonely, trying to live her life by her ideals. The road was hard, and her support went away when she needed it most. I see a girl who preferred to get inside her own head than ask for help, but why did no one see how bad it had gotten then?
I was your yellow, but you didn’t notice when the yellow rotted away to grey.
I was your yellow, once, but the people I thought were friends were never there to see the light going out.
Oh, it got better after a while, and I grew up, but I feel sorry for the girl that I was. I would have never done the same to you, even when I was most annoyed at the things you pulled through. I still tried to be there if I thought something was not right – not that you actually cared.
That girl only needed a hug and someone to not turn its back on her. A friend that didn’t abandon her, someone to believe in her.
I miss those happy unconscious moments, but I won’t forgive what you did. The rest of the trust you broke.
I’m sorry for the innocence you lost, baby girl.
You said it once, said it wice
That it hurts but I would do it again
… ‘Cause you don’t need a friend
Maybe I do.
(Jay Sean- Stay)
I miss you
Life gets crazy, and the days pass us by in a rush, with time flying away until months disappear without us noticing it, and only we are left here.
Wondering, questioning what happened.
Friends turned into passersby, people came and went, new memories were made, and already they are stored with the rest of our past, a past we were so happy with being our present, one day long ago.
I miss you, but you’re not here.
You haven’t been here for a while, and you truly belong in the past, but still haunt my thoughts once in a while.
Do you reminisce about it too? The nights we spent talking, the questions I would’ve liked to understand, the songs we shared, the small adventures in school.
Or was I and our promise put in a forgotten corner on an unused shelf of your memory archives? Of finding each other even if life tore us away, that the friendship would still stay? I wouldn’t put it past you, really; you hated me for things I couldn’t help.
I miss you, but I would never go there again.
The past will stay there until our end.
It will be worth it
One day I will reach the sky
And every step on those stairs
Will have been worth the battle
Just so I could watch the sunset
And feel accomplished
Of the life that let me up there.
It will be worth it.
ão
Eu estou aqui e tu não
Abandonaste o meu coração
Dentro desta solidão
Como se tivesses razão
De causar tanta desilusão
BTM: My reading habits book tag
Hi! How are you?
I don’t remember where I saw this BTM (thanks past Lia from putting in the sketches without a url –“), but here’s my reading habits in a book tag format.
It’s been a while since I sat myself to do a reading tag, I’ve been in a no-writting mood, then a “let’s go on a dark romance spree and stop anything else”, and now I’m trying to come back to blogging for a foreseeable future. Let’s hope I can stick with it for the rest of the year, at least. xD
If you know the original creator, please let me know 🙂
Anyway, are you ready?
Allons-y!!
✦📖 ✧📖✦ 📖 ✧📖✦ 📖✧ 📖✦ 📖✧ 📖✦ 📖 ✧📖 ✦📖✧ 📖✦
✦Do you have a certain place for reading?✦
No, I will read everywhere and anywhere… In bed before sleeping, while eating, on the train or in the car (audiobooks are magical) instead of listening to the radio, doing sports… It’s an awesome companion.
✦Count your age along your bookshelf, you end up with…✦
The Clockwork Prince by Cassandra Clare o.o
So… Does this mean I’m Jem?
✦Pick a book set in your city/ country✦
Uma aventura na Quinta das Lágrimas. “Uma Aventura” was a series that was so unavoidable in our childhood, I must have 30 books at home before my parents stopped buying them for me. And Quinta das Lágrimas is a contender place to visit in Coimbra, beloging to our tragical myths of the damsel that turned queen after death. ✌️
Who needs Juliette in Portugal when we have our own Inês?
✦Pick a book represents a destination you’d love to travel to✦
Hm…. I’m rewatching Haikyuu, which is a great pick for Japan, specially now that they have special events for One Piece anniversary and the Jujutsu Kaisen pop-up café. I wish we had something like that near.
✦Pick a book that has your favourite colour on it✦
Leigh Bardugo’s Ninth House. But if we’re talking about my favourite colours to wear: Death Note’s Black Edition.
✦Which book do you have the fondest memories of?✦
Harry Potter, which sucks nowdays after all the drama with its author. I was a child when the first movie came out in Portugal, I read all the books in the public library, one each week, and couldn’t wait for the 7th book to be released. I remember going to Bertrand after classes to buy it the day it released in portuguese.
And in college, because I’m portuguese and we have our formal wear in university, it was a private joke to act like Snape when we wore the full regalia to class- I even gave the house’s necklaces to my then friends as a group memorabilia, since we were four with personalities from the four houses.
✦Which book did you have the most difficulty reading?✦
Os Maias by Eça de Queirós. Why must school torture us with ancient books when there’s better out there currently. And let’s not talk about Saramago, holy damn.
✦Which book in your tbr will give you the biggest accomplishment when you finish it?✦
None? The last book of One Piece when it comes out, because it ain’t none of my currently physical tbr, I don’t care enough xD
✦Can you just stop reading or do you have to stop after a chapter/a certain amount of pages?✦
I’ll just stop if I feel like it.
✦Bookmark or random piece of paper?✦
Anything and everything. One time I borrowed a friend a book for christmas vacations, and then had to call her the next day as the book had my bank card as a bookmark xD it was a stupid bookmark to use, true.
✦Multitasking: music or tv while reading?✦
Music always.
✦Do you eat or drink while reading?✦
Yes, but the drink will get cold- it was how I got used to drinking cold coffees xD
✦Reading at home or everywhere?✦
Every. WHERE.
✦One book at a time or several at once?✦
I have one on my phone, three started on kindle, one in my laptop, and three physical that I exchange depending on the mood…. you tell me.
✦Reading out loud or silently in your head?✦
Silently, I don’t want to be labeled Jinx.
✦Do you read ahead or even skip pages?✦
I will skip if it has something triggering or just plain annoying, I don’t care anymore. I can always reread it if I’m missing something later.
✦Breaking the spine or keeping it like new?✦
In Portugal it’s rare to have hardbacks, so you kind of get used to broken spines, unless you like to trouble to protect them. And I’m lazy. But I will take care with a borrowed book- I hate damaged books because of negligence.
✦Do you write in your books?✦
Yes, if I feel like it.
✦📖 ✧📖✦ 📖 ✧📖✦ 📖✧ 📖✦ 📖✧ 📖✦ 📖 ✧📖 ✦📖✧ 📖✦
There! Finito incatatem!
What I get with this BTM, is that I’m not serious about reading habits, I mostly don’t care, and I will reading almost anything if the mood strikes (currently on a dark mafia obsession). If the book is good, the rest doesn’t matter to me.
What about you, what would you answer differently? Does any of my points annoy you?
Bye!
Random voids
And everybody knows
That’s the way the world goes
Always dancing with the devil
To fill the void inside
Where the beauty is poison
Insidious driping inside
But still, you try to reach for it
Uncaring of the vines coming closer
Ready to strike, to capture you inside
Moldy irreal fullfillments
Inexistent materials
Fake smiles, in a crowd of unknown masks
Emotional zombies, cruel stories
All want to take that dark void
Fill the hole and say they’re whole
But they filled it with styrofoam
Invisible weight, full but not whole
The more you fill, the worse it feels
Like painting the trash gold
Thinking it would make it true
Ilusions built upon ilusions
How can you know the truth?
Hands reach for you to grab at random
Wanting absolution from your demons
Wishing everything could be perfect again
Getting sadder and sadder by the day
It gets so lonely inside your head
Does the mask fulfill you now?
You’re back at the end
And still clueless of your life
You can’t keep dancing with the devil
And ask why you’re still in hell
Sleepwalking by Issey Cross
。 • ✧ 。 I’m sleepwalking , . .. 。• ✧ 。.
, . . . 。• ✧ 。. Ran off with my heart 。 • ✧ 。
。 • ✧ 。 Can you run it back , . . . 。• ✧。.
, . . . 。• ✧ 。. Waiting for the part 。 • ✧ 。
。 • ✧ 。 Never let me crasch , . . 。• ✧ 。.
, . . . 。• ✧ 。. I don’t wanna face the day awake 。 • ✧ 。
。 • ✧ 。 So for now I’m sleepwalking , . . . 。• ✧ 。.
, . . . 。• ✧ 。. Running with the stars 。 • ✧ 。
。 • ✧ 。 But they never last • ✧ 。
。 • ✧ 。Got a little darker 。 • ✧ 。
。 • ✧ 。 Could have told you that 。 • ✧ 。
。 • ✧ 。 I’m sleepwalking , . . . 。• ✧ 。.
So easily
You’re still the reason
Why I don’t trust my thoughts
My feelings, my love
I was fine before you came
Accepted my place
No reason to misbehave
But you broke me so easily
Turned my world upside down
Without a sole thought
Just tell me what you were looking for?
Before the lies became your truth
Before your mask broke through
What poisoned us so deeply
That every rumor became true
In your mind, I stopped being me
I was still the same inside
But in your eyes
The colors were all wrong
You broke me so easily
When I most needed a friend
You decided to become an enemy.
Fantasize.
My dreams reflect the trauma deep inside.
They’re an unerving cycle revolving around my mind, going round and round theme-wise, never straying much time-wise, the same characters appearance-wise, sometimes as villains, other times anti-heros… Because none of us were much hero material in those years.
They always return to the same thing, trying to make me accept the changes that happened- or is it more that I should accept all of our masks fell?
Why can’t my mind just let you go? I’m a prisioner in dreams that never make you the main character. Instead, you’re always on the other side, antagonizing me, breaking me, hating me. Or watchful, learning the truths I hide those years ago, but never in the main stage. Never in the beggining. Other times, the worst of my nightmares win, and mix with reality.
You asked me to listen to my heart, but you were the first to break that trust. You made me the villain while prefering to listen to rumors than talk to me. I guess it was easier to hate me, after protecting you. What should I have expected from someone who told me my worst birthday was only a nightmare, invalidating a trauma while creating another months later?
I’m frozen, but I did it for you.
Of course you’d be so focused on yourself, because why would the world not revolve around you, that the rest must have been related to you? You will never know how much hearing you say I should go back to that hell hurt, you who were so fucking blind to my emotional state? I mean, point to you, you were not the only one to not see how broken I was, when we barely talked anymore, but why would have I given up on a school I dreamed about then? For you? You hated me, the less I saw you then, the better, but my friends, my kitkat pause were near you, unfortunatly for me. It seemed like karma when I asked to change schools, and of all the classes I could have went into, there we were again. It’s like I couldn’t be in any other letter than “B”. The Story of B all over again.
Jesus, how I hated high school. Transfering to deal with trauma, and moving to a class to restart other types of drama. Insteas of starting new like I needed, there was just more shit and ignoring the problems, repressing into hell to the point I’m still dealing with emotions from my teens.
Fuck. My. Life.
🎶 Dream Chaos, Britt – Fantasize 🎶
✨ Ignite my mind ✨ 